cover my eyes

i'm tired.

i'm tired of the feeling of rejection. now i finally understand why my oldest friend was always so hesitant to call anyone, because of rejection.

you know when you try something over and over again and you want and hope and pray that it will work out, only to be disappointed? yeah, that's me. i wear my little heart on my sleeve and it often just gets mangled. and i let it.

here i am, trying to "embrace" who i am,... how i am really sensitive (all of the time), how i feel this constant feeling of disposition, how i can't relate, how i cry and cry sometimes for no reason, how i am so incredibly creative sometimes, how sometimes i just really get too drunk to feel okay in social situations, how i don't want to be what other people want me to be in life, how i would rather be free and happy for awhile before i go back to school, how i find most people to be utterly annoying, how i am incredibly independent in most ways, how i know what i want!

i'm tired.

i'm tired of feeling so hurt by people. so hurt by people that i have either just built trust upon or have been trusting forever. 

perhaps this is not blog appropriate, but here it goes anyway... i'm going to release the beast.

a few months ago, i was encountered with a tragedy that sent me into a serious depression. 

rewind a few years...i had just started going to arizona state university, i had escaped good old prescott, arizona. living in prescott wasn't easy. there wasn't much to do as a teenager, so we would smoke cigarettes in the graveyard, smoke pot, drink gross things like rum... or mike's hard lemonade, etc. many of my friends were straight edge, but soon lost interest in that lifestyle as they got older and more curious. once they became more curious, it seemed as though they decided to fully immerse themselves in being intoxicated, in one way or another. 

one friend, in particular, passed away due to some poor decisions, his body gave up on him.  this one person, was nothing but gold. he was all smiles and warm hugs, as far as i knew. though i wasn't very close with him when this tragedy occurred, i was prior to this event and every time i saw him, i knew our friendship was just... easy and not ever lost. i remember driving around my white jeep wrangler, with the roof taken off. he would jump in the back through the window, his little fourteen year old body- so pure and innocent. we would drive around, listening to music, drinking slushies and going to the local hardcore shows. 

through this, i'm finding that its hard when you feel like you could have prevented something, but you just didn't. i saw him at a party a few nights before when i was visiting from college. we were just drinking and laughing, my best friend was wasted and crawling around on him. he was gentle and moving away, i tried to help ease his comfort level. he graciously thanked me and wrapped his long arms around me, giving a tight squeeze. even though i could still see his spirit within his shell, i knew something was off. i knew i should have spoken up and said "are you alright", but then i just thought to myself... "oh, he's young, he just has a  lot to learn still. he'll learn how to control himself when he's ready" blah blah blah. i think many of us feel this way. prescott is a tightly knit group and sure, we've all had our differences with each other, but we were home to each other and we still are.

i should have done something.

fast forward to last november. i was living downtown flagstaff, still feeling slightly uncomfortable with what i was doing with my life, feeling lost and confused, running every day and eating gluten+sugar free, loving life and hating it at the same time. i became very close with an extremely dysfunctional person. superficially, this person was all smiles and love, but deep down, was dark and depressed. he was extremely codependent and needed someone to take care of him. in my eyes, friends are friends and i felt like i needed to be there for this person if he needed me. i cooked, i cleaned, i did whatever i could to make life just a little bit easier for this person. slowly, i tried more and more to move away. slowly, he was withering away... and so was i.  i promised myself that i would not go down that rabbit hole with him, i would not sink down to that level, but in the end, i may have been just as bad as him.

i was skiing every day i could, making money doing private lessons for 5 year olds, trying to give the kiddos that i nanny lots of love, trying to surround myself with people i loved most- but this whole scheme of events left me in a room which seemed so dark and so empty, and i wasn't about to come out.

this friend had so much hatred for me. i had unconditional love. it was almost maternal, but my energy put out in trying to help was not working and i felt like i was a failure. 

so there i was, trying to cram for the gre exams in the emergency department waiting room. waiting for someone to tell me something, anything. this time, i said something. i spoke up and said something when i saw that a friend was in trouble and i felt as though i was in trouble too. after 2 bottles of pills, 3 bottles of wine, a broken window, broken door, and a phone call describing every little detail on how he was going to escape this earth, i called the cops and he was hospitalized. my heart was hurting so much and my stomach was turning, waiting, waiting, waiting. finally, they called me in and i saw his frail little body, laying in that bed. i held his hand, he opened his eyes and said "this is all your fault".

all my fault.

part of me just can't forgive myself. either way, you just can't win with people. you try to save them and it leaves you dying inside. 

i tried, but i'm tired.