through the looking glass

when the going gets tough, the tough get going... right?

i guess that's what could describe me as of lately. this whole past year has been kind of a blur, a total year of feeling completely lost. i felt less lost when i was in a country where i didn't even know the native language. funny how that goes. after a year though, i feel like i'm finally starting to get comfortable with where i am at and what i am doing. it took me a whole damn year! (which... i guess isn't that long in the whole grand scheme of things)

a couple of months ago, it was that time. time to pay my car insurance for the next five months, almost six-hundred dollars of hard earned cash, gone!...just like that. i know, i know. everyone has to do it, but for someone who has never owned a car in her life, until just about ten months ago, it killed me! just money, i guess, but that's when i realized for sure that i definitely needed to get my shit together and do something where i could feel comfortable with that the next time it came around. hopefully though, the next time i have to pay my car insurance, i will be ready to travel, and not ready to drop six-hundred dollars on car insurance.

so! what did i do? i decided that i needed to find things that i enjoy doing and be proactive and passionate about them! yeah, at twenty three years old, i guess i finally figured that one out. i have been involved with a lot of things that i'm really passionate about for awhile... for example being a nanny and being with the kiddos, being involved in something such as the CSA, which is amazing... working on the farms in south america was a pretty awesome experience that i was passionate about, etc etc, but I guess you just can't limit yourself when it comes to getting involved. (dear god, i sound like a motivational speaker right now)

there are a few things that really stand out to me when i think about what i do with my life and making it meaningful to me.

one of them is art. for the longest time, i have been producing so much artwork here and there, sometimes having dry spells, but mostly having that be a huge hobby and emotional/creative outlet in my life. this next month i am going to finally hang my artwork up in a local coffee shop and get it out there in the public! i'm really excited (and so freakin' nervous, too) because i want others to give me their feedback, and to experience what i have to offer... i have hopes that it will help me grow and give me new ideas to new pieces. we'll see i guess!

the second one is food. so i've been doing CSA for a few years on and off now, i have been a volunteer for about a year now, which is great too.  i sort of wanted more than just a few hours a week though, so i first started with signing the kiddos and i up at the community garden to have our own plot. i have to tell you, this time of year it is flourishing! i can't believe how amazing some of the gardens there are. (we are not that great, but we try!) and i still wanted more, but in a kitchen...feeding hungry bellies... lucky for me, my boss asked me if i wanted to start being their "personal chef" two nights a week, just to cook dinner. i could make whatever i wanted, all groceries would be paid for and that was it! now, for me, this is truly exciting news! i was beyond ecstatic! and this is why... when i was growing up, mom let me have free rein over the kitchen, i could do whatever i wanted, just so long as i cleaned it (which i never did! sorry mom...) AND mom would pay for whatever i wanted to make. when i got to college though, mom no longer supplied these lavish groceries... the cheese, the chocolate, the phyllo pastry, etcetera, etcetera, you get the point. i was eating black beans out of a can. sooo, NOW i get to gain all of my skills back, feed hungry bellies (without a culinary degree ;) ) and get paid for it! wahoo! win-win situation, with a free dinner!

the third is children.  i have worked with them for almost my whole life.  lately, as i volunteer at the hospital, i can really picture myself doing pediatrics. today, while gus and i walked over to our favorite coffeeshop to go to together (he gets lemonade, i get the strongest coffee i can just so i can keep my lids lifted), i thought about how much i want kids in my life for a long, long time. i don't mean like "having babies" and all that nonsense, but just having the young souls in my life from day-to-day really brings a lot of light to my perspective on life. little gus is such a smart guy, and he always has such simple real things to tell me about his daily life. this is one of my more long term goals, i suppose. i see this being a big part of my future, helping children find their way to be happy humans.

so, i guess this long novel of a post was mostly just about how i feel like i am narrowing down my passions at age twenty three. these are the things that i want to see myself working with in the future and i'm pretty happy with these ideas. i guess i'll finish this off sounding like a motivational speaker, as i seem to sound like consistently throughout this post and say, that whatever i am doing now, i'm going to do it with my all. and, with the right mindset, you can get really creative and pay the bills doing things that you love! i can't complain right now :)