Rants, and other annoying things

Somehow I always find a way to turn my life upside-down, inside-out. 

I haven't been writing lately about my cooking, or travel, or anything, really because of my busy, busy life and hectic changes.  This time of year always gives me the creeps. I hate this feeling of expectancy... everyone expects so much out of this time of year and most of the time, its such a letdown. The holidays are brutal. It's all just too stressful for me to deal with. 

I have been trying so, so hard to buy a car lately.  I am getting so discouraged and so frustrated and I guess what really makes me upset about it is the fact that with wheels, I could leave. I could get away and go do what I need to do for myself.  I always have this constant feeling that I need to escape my reality. Get away and say "fuck it all, I'm done with this phase and here I go to the next thing". I forever need this option in my life. It's what keeps my fire burning, and right now, my flame is getting pretty dim. What will give me that drive next??

India is always on my mind. I need some serious inspiration, and I'm sure I could find it there. And I guess this is sort of on that subject...  Yoga the other night was amazing. I hadn't been to this particular class in months and months, but when I went, I felt so at ease and so at peace with myself.  I felt human again. I had some sort of clarity again, which is unusual lately for me.  We discussed very complex ideas about living in general and it was a relief that I wasn't alone in all of these thoughts. Sacrifice.  We must sacrifice certain things for others to find ultimate happiness. What is happiness? I think I may have forgotten what pure bliss feels like. I miss that.

But back to my enlightenment on Monday night's yoga. This darkness, this darkness in the winter time ruins me! It's so hard to keep up with everything when you're dragging your heels in the dark. Luckily, the new moon was the other day (the final new moon before winter solstice), and soon we will have light again! It's always really refreshing when you realize that soon the days will be getting longer, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and when the sun is shining bright, its easy to be content at least.

Overall, I think I'm just feeling lonely. These winter months feel so incredibly lonesome when you don't have anyone who truly adores you. I'm not trying to have a little pity party (even though I totally am!) but I just get so tired of being alone sometimes. I'm never interested in the guy that likes me, the guy that I am interested in is always running in the other direction, and the rest of them are assholes.

So guys, what is your deal!? Can't we just be upfront here. Give me answers... I don't want to play mind games and I'm tired of dating, and building relationships with people that don't last more than a month. It's exhausting! Absolutely exhausting!

So, I think I will spend my evening drinking hot tea, snuggling up in my sleeping bag, watching Amelie and enjoy a night to myself.  We must remind ourselves that sometimes, this thing called life can be a bitch sometimes, but we always make it through somehow. Somehow.