After one hectic weekend of drinking, emotional entanglements and much, much more, I have decided that I'm going to change (once again) the way that I'm living to adjust the light in which I see things. Today is Monday, and on Mondays, I go to yoga. The class I go to is very, very spiritual and always has a message, so I am currently at my high! I am drinking a little glass of wine and collecting thoughts on everything from my practice today.
As I get older, I realize more and more how much people have affected me in the past, and still... in the present. Here I go, once again, saying that I don't want it to be like this as much anymore. I invest so much of my heart into my relationships with my friends that my expectations rise and I get hurt. One thing I learned most from a little Aussie girl named Bella in Ecuador, was this: everyone is in your life for a reason. Cliche, yes. BUT, If you think of things in these terms, you realize later that yes, friends... they come, they go, they come back and you learn from all of this. With that said, its the same with your enemies, they come, they go, they come back to haunt you,.. and this goes for the guy who you work with who you barely know, too. I am trying to find so many reasons on why these people are in my life, so here I go... I'm going to try to sort out my thoughts in a random rant, which apparently I am good at these days.
With a short description of each person, I will then describe my insight on these individuals, their significance and hopefully later I will figure out more of what is going on with myself, thus growing as a person.
This person is an old friend, however we got closer in our early years of college. She is similar to me, however lets men take charge of her life more often than not (which isn't as much like me). She is independent, but still dependent on men. She is sure of herself for the most part, or so it seems. She is a total woman, symbolic of everything woman is. She runs from scary situations, much like me.
I feel as though I under-appreciate this person. I'm not sure why, maybe because she's around more often than most currently, but right now, I think this person has become an important person in my life. Our lives running in parallel makes for a great way to compare and keep each other motivated and on track! Lately, I have realized that a lot of my friends are on such different pages in their lives. Much of them are in school, many of them are working serious jobs, some of them are traveling, some going back to school, etc. This person is doing the same stuff as me... trying to figure out that next step and I think right now, I need to keep this little lady close so that we can grow together, and help each other grow. And also, since we are both really, really bad with relationships with men, I think it is pretty important for us to stick together for this major turning point in our lives : ) God, I'm so gracious for this gal.
Next person, another woman. She is ill-hearted. She is enticing. She is so much beauty, but also the ugliest person inside. She is negative and loves to possess power over any situation. She loves to be the center of the world, in everyone's eyes (especially men). She is malicious, however tries to make you feel as though you are the one. She is "the victim".
Why is she in my life? I wish I knew the answer to this. Before, I saw her with so much kindness, I thought of her as naive and as though she just had a bit of growing up to do, but still a kind heart in the making. Currently (though I think that my opinion will change later), I believe she is part of my life to show me how dark people can get. At this time in my life, I am doing anything I can do to stay as positive as I possibly can. I am trying to be the smile that my friends can always count on, the shoulder they can always lean up against, the person that will always listen. I have realized that this positivity is contagious and when you are always opening your warm heart to people, other people with open their warm heart to you. I may have said some negative things to this person today, but from now on... (and I've been doing this in the past, until today, ugh), I think I will continue this. I will just always try to be the most positive, warm-hearted person I can be, to everyone, not just her!. This person makes me adore everyone in my life even more than I already do, simply because she has so much hatred in her heart for other people. It's so hard to be around people who are constantly yapping about the imperfections of humans, as though they are a bad thing. Our imperfections are what make us unique! Our imperfections are what make us who we are and also make us strive for betterment. Betterment of ourselves and betterment of humanity. Additionally, this person makes me want to love others with all my heart. (I'll add more to this later)
Next person, guy. He is awkward, smart and dull, yet intriguing... Total left brain, but has very good qualities. We could call him "the good guy". He is nothing like any person I've ever been attracted to, yet there is still a slight attraction, and I couldn't really tell you why.
I believe this person is part of my life to show me that I don't have to be with the shitty dude all the time. I don't have to take some guys' bullshit for the simple reason of being attracted to some sort of attention. And perhaps I shouldn't sell myself short. Though this relationship is not romantic, I think it, in a way, shows me the light of what the possibilities for me could be... How I should be treated as a woman. Now I just have to find someone more suiting for me... who is more in parallel with my life, rather than ready to settle down and be here for the rest of their lives, working. Blah! I guess that's another thing that this person has shown me, that I am really ready for some excitement again! I'm not cut out for this home life, not cut out for being the working type all of the time, at least not just yet! And I need to find someone who is motivative, with gusto! Gusto, gusto, gusto! Amen.
I think that's enough for now, though I have much, much more to say, I do think that it is enough for one night. I need to ponder these thoughts now. Perhaps make a list? I need to find growth through this, rather than so much pain.
And as we have been saying in yoga lately, we must sacrifice the dark for the light, and the light for the dark, and this all works with our personal growth. It's all in our method of doing so.
"So go out and love some more!"- Maude
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